It might just be my age or maybe the fact that one segment of my life has come to a close and another has opened up, but recently I’m finding that the significance of friendship, or genuine comradery, to be both very important and in fleeting supply.
The last few weeks I’ve been enjoying some extra free time in my life now that Commencement has offically…commenced. This last weekend was no different. On Friday, I indulged in a few drinking games with some friends in the backyard of one of my pals. It was a fun time in which many intriguing conversations unfolded.
Saturday was dedicated to yet another adventure into the belly of the City of Brotherly Love, specifically Olde City, to enjoy a casual summer eve of socializing.
On Sunday I slowed the pace down a bit, having realized that the excessiveness of my entertainment these last few days may be taking a bit of a toll on me physically. Since Saturday night I’ve been hitting the gym a lot more again, trying to get back into my routine and refocus on the main goal now that school is all finished up.
Back to what I was driving at though…
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m at a serious turning point in my life. Maybe it’s because now that college is out of the way I find myself with a lot of free time and a little lacking on direction or focus. For whatever reason, I’m relying heavily on spending time with friends and pre-occupying myself with being around others.
Don’t get me wrong now, I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. I’ve been having a blast these last few weeks. Still, I’m finding myself growing anxious and dissatisfied with my lot in this world. I know what I really want. I know what I need to do to get the process started. I don’t know why I’m stalling or delaying. My only guess is that I’m afraid to venture into something unknown and more fearful of leaving behind the things I’ve come to know in life and have developed a comfort zone with.
But, that’s where the friends step in. They have become a catalyst. They’re there. They’ve been listening to me, revealing my plans, dreams, and aspirations. In addition, they’ve heard my pessimism; my concerns, fears, and reservations against moving forward with my plans. And all through it, they’ve remained constant, ears open, thoughts and opinions both honest and encouraging.
Take Friday night for example. Friday we’re all outside and the conversations are flowing from one topic to the next. The night progresses onward and into the next morning, the conversations continuing. The channels of communication remained open. And despite my fears and worries about the suddenly obvious stagnation and lack of motivation on my behalf towards pursuing my post-education goals, there remains a light shining ahead in the distant darkness. Friends.
Friends are the matches, the spark, the flickering candles, the tiny beads of wax trickling down from a flame that has helped to rekindle that ambition and optimism and “Big-Dreamer” mentality in me that almost felt as if it was on it’s deathbed.
I’ve reached the understanding that there is nothing for me here anymore. Nothing keeping happy or satified in this town. College is over.
Every where I turn there is some thing reminding me of a part of my life that is dead and gone. It’s sickening, damn right disheartening.
I turn out of my apartment complex and I see something that reminds me of a failed relationship with failed dreams and failed commitments. I drop a friend off at his house and see a place where thorns for memories prick me open everytime I pass. And the only thing that keeps me at bay, that maintains my sanity, is the hope of achieving the one thing I desire more than any of these false realities that I once allowed myself to be lured into.
I long for nothing more than that. Every day I wake with the same two thoughts; Her and then the idea of scrounging up every penny I have, packing my bags and running like hell to a place where I can start over. Where I can begin to pursue my goals. Somewhere where everything is fresh. Where there is nothing to remind me of bad memories, and where the opportunities are there.
I know I can not achieve or come anywhere close to successfully pursuing my aspirations from where I am. Yet, I feel a sense of obligation to my roommate, and I know I have responsibilities here that can not be ignored or abandoned.
These are things I have expressed to friends in many invaluable late night conversations. And I’ve found that sometimes the very best moments in life aren’t achieved when you head out to party all night long or while attempting to meet some gorgeous females during a night out on the town. These are means to no end – mere preoccupiers of precious time and energy while more important goals are put on hold or held fearfully at arms length.
The truth is, some of life’s best moments are achieved simple in treasures like Friday night, when you’re amongst good friends having an engaging perhaps, enlightening conversation. These are the most rewarding experiences in life and yet, highly underestimated at face value.
How unfortunate.
Posting,
E.Ricci
