Alternate Route To Love

She’s your typical 21 year old girl. Waitressing through school to pay bills. She’s pretty blonde. Funny. Interesting. Good natured and well intentioned.

You look at her and see the image of the American Girl and think to yourself, “She’s so personable and attractive. The boys must be all over her!”

Perhaps, you may spark up a conversation with her and learn her name is Lauren. She’s from the shore and she commutes such a long way to work because, well…it’s complicated.

This typical American girl’s story begins like they all do; with love. A little over a year ago, Lauren came to Rowan and met Drew. They began dating. Things went particularly well for the couple. They had fights here and there but they worked through their problems and even enjoyed a family reunion together to visit Drew’s family in Poland. The year was flying by fast. Perhaps, too fast.

Nearing the anniversary, Lauren started notice a change in Drew’s attitude and behavior. He was drinking and smoking more. He began putting on weight and he started to become aggressive. How he treated her, the language he used with her, and how he acted towards her changed. He became overly suspicious that she was cheating on him. Fights were worse, almost abusive. As time passed, Lauren became increasingly concerned.

Then one night while partying with friends at their new place on campus near Rowan University, Drew lost it. He began smashing things, putting his hands through glass coffee tables, hitting walls, threatening her with violence.

“His friends just stood there and watched. They didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know either. But they could’ve stopped him. And when he did hit me, they did nothiing,” said Lauren, reflecting on how he threw her from one end of their apartment to the other.

“I was so surprised. I didn’t expect anything like this. I was like, ‘Oh my God’, he’s going to kill me,” said Lauren.

Eventually, friends did intervene. While taking Drew aside, Lauren and a couple friends locked themselves in the bedroom and called the police.

“I ended up having to put a temporary restraining order on him in order to return to the apartment for my things,” she said.

Lauren recalled Drew at the house when she went there with her parents before placing the restraining order, “He was insulting my Dad, trying to call him out, get him mad. He was telling him things about our sex life. The kind of things no father wants to hear about his little girl, you know?”

Lauren balked on the issue of pressing charges for the assault.

“I talked to his Mom alot. We were pretty close. But, when I told her about her son’s problems she would immediately defend him and act like it was my fault. Then, when the charges came up, she called me and we talked. She begged me to drop the charges. She kept saying how it was a mistake and how it would ruin his life and that he would just leave me alone for good, she swore it.” she said.

The conversation convinced her to drop the charges. And aside from a few random encounters in public and every now and then at the restaurant where she works, Lauren hadn’t seen or heard from Drew since.

A few months had past since that night in January. Lauren hadn’t been seeing or with a guy since the ordeal nor, had she any intention of it. The events of that fateful evening had a profound affect on Lauren’s perceptions of men and dating. She stopped going out. She stopped hanging out with friends. She stayed in on weekends and night off. Watched movies or did homework. She became a direct opposite of herself. The American girl that enjoyed life and friends, socializing and going out had now become a frightened homebody.

“That night was horrific. It left me scared and in knots. I didn’t wanna date anyone. I didn’t wanna see anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I was traumatized.” she said.

As far as she was concerned, Lauren wanted nothing to do with men. Period.

Then one night while at home watching a movie with her best friend since grade school, Lauren was offered the most bizarre pieces of advice.

“My friend suggested that I try like an Eharmony or something online, as a way to get back into the dating scene. I laughed and thought, ‘No Way, I’m too young-that’s only for older people’ at first. Then, I started really thinking about it more,” said Lauren.

She went onto Eharmony’s website and did a little homework. She wanted to date again. She was afraid, she didn’t know what to expect.

“I knew I had to get my feet wet, so I said, “Ok, let’s give this a shot,” she said.

She signed on for the six-month trial. Instantly, she began receiving e-mails for potential matches and dates. After about a week of second-guessing and sifting through possible matches, Lauren finally agreed to a date with a match.

“It was awkward. The whole thing was a disaster. He was just, I don’t know how to explain it. He was weird,” she said. “The way he talked, how he acted, the way he presented himself, even how he walked was weird.”

Lauren convinced herself not to let first impressions get in the way of meeting a potentially nice guy. She gave him the benefit of getting to know him. But, things only worsened when he opened his mouth.

“I asked all the questions. He really said nothing. And when he did talk it was nothing positive or interesting. He had no plans for himself. He wasn’t going to school, he was being discharged from the Marines but he wasn’t planning on finding a job or enrolling in any classes. It was awful.” said Lauren.

She realized that he wasn’t someone she could see herself involved with and that perhaps, this online dating wasn’t the solution she was looking for. After the date, Lauren quickly deleted the guy’s number. He tried calling a couple times but she didn’t answer. He quickly caught the hint.

Still, something positive came from this negative experience. Despite having a bad first date in the months since she was last involved with Drew, Lauren found a resurgance in her desire to get back out and start dating again. This experience helped rekindle that desire.

“I started thinking about how much fun it was being involved with someone. And how I’m the kind of person that likes to be in a relationship with someone. I realized I missed that and that I needed to give someone, a new guy, a chance,” Said Lauren.

“Maybe not on eHarmony, but at least it helped get me back out there and interested again,” she said.

Today, Lauren is still dating. In fact, as of the 11th of May she will be hitting the first month anniversary with a guy she met in April and has been dating since.

“It took me a while. But it worked out. And now I’m happy again. It just goes to show you that even after a really bad situation in life, there still is a possibility for something good and worthwhile to come along,” Said Lauren. “You just have to remain open and optimistic about new love.”

1-800-Rent-A-Friend

I overheard a girl in my online journalism class having a pretty open discussion about her boyfriend and how he was having a “Just friends” night with some old friends of his before their relationship began.

Then she added a little tidbit that caught my attention which was something to the tune of, “…I have about 4-5 girlfriends from the original 8 that I still consider really close, true friends…”

I inquired as to what happened to the remaining girls that she no longer considered close, or best friends anymore. What happened? Why were you no longer so close with them anymore?

She elaborated, basically saying that after things had gotten serious with her boyfriend of more than a year that these friends sort of stopped talking to her because of it. Perhaps, it was jealousy, envy, or maybe they just didn’t like the guy she was seeing. For whatever reason, they were no longer the good friends they had once been.

That’s when I chimed in with the term that a friend of mine had coined to describe a similar situation but viewed from the opposite end of this girl’s spectrum. She had described a scenario known by my group of guy friends known as Rent-A-Friend.

The breakdown on this theory is simple. When a person enters into a new relationship, a certain amount of their time and attention is re-divided amongst their current relationships and committments in life. Sometimes, a person does a fairly decent job of juggling and finding a balance between the amount of time and effort they dedicate to work, school, friends, family, hobbies, and of course intimate relationships or life partners.

Others, however, not-so-much…

A nice sized proportion of people will ultimately re-structure their time dedicated to all of the above categories in a way that ends up extremely disproportionate, rather skewed. More often than not, these people will dedicate the same amount of time to the things they did before their new relationship began.

They’ll still have Sunday dinner with Mom and Dad or do brunch on Wednesdays with Granny and Pop-Pop. They’ll still work the same amount of hours or attend class and do the same amount of homework. They may even continue to play in the company softball tourny on weekends, go fishing, read, shop, or whatever else their hobby is with the same amount of dedication and level of interest. So where does the extra time come from for the new found love interest?

Friends.

The time they dedicated to Guy’s Night Out, heading to the bar, grabbing a bite after work, hitting the gym, catching the ball game on friday night, or having a social night with the gals, doing a movie or Grey’s night with the chicks, is all sucked up and spit out into the “SPEND TIME WITH MY NEW HUBBY” Portion of the time and effort pie chart.

Obviously, this leaves the friend or group of friends a little jaded and offended. They even tend to look at the new love interest as the catalyst for this sudden change in attitude and behavior and unfairly place the blame on them. After all, it’s not the hubby’s fault that your friend is ignoring you. They didn’t put a gun to your friend’s head and said, ‘Stop seeing Dan because I said so.” The friend is responsible for their own actions. Not the hubby or “wifey”.

Where does this Rent-A-Friend play in though, you ask?

Scenario: The hubby has some business out of town. Or is going away to a family reunion or for whatever reason, they won’t be in the picture for a few days, maybe a weekend or even an entire week.

The friend is left with nothing to do. The normal routine of “Boo-luvin” is out of the question for him/her because the “boo” isn’t around. So now they find themselves bored, alone, and suddenly with a huge gap of time to fill in the day.

Where do they turn? Who do they end up dialing to see, “What’s up?” or “How’ve things been?” or the suddenly out of no where approach, “Wanna hit happy hour or grab a beer after work and catch up?” or even more out of left-field, “I got an extra ticket to tonight’s game, interested?”

YOU. You have instantly become the Rent-A-Friend.
They are only interested in spending time with you when they have nothing else to do, no other alternative, or only when it best suits them.

We’ve all gone through this, all had this done to us by one or more friends who have entered into a new relationship and don’t know how to act, or what the proper ettiquette for maintaining healthy lines of communication with old friends is. Some of us, okay most of us, have even been the one to do this to a good friend.

I suppose the questions that come to mind then are:

One- How good of a friend is this person?
Two-How good of a friend does this person consider me?
And finally, three- Do I really want to be treated like this? Do I want to be nothing more to this person than a Rent-A-Friend?

Let you’re conscience dwell on it and decide.

 

Posting,

 

E.Ricci

Five Things Guys Overlook in Dating

Okay, guys so you’re about to ask that cutie from work out on a date and find dinner and a movie a little mundane. Maybe you’ve hit date two or three and feel like the river of impressive ideas has run dry for you. Or, you can’t figure out why you can’t get over the hump and seal the deal with that special someone in the romance category.

No problem. Pay attention to these five dating tips that we males tend to overlook and you may find your fortunes turning around.

1. Spend Less Money- We guys have this misconception that in order to really impress a woman, you have to drop a lot of cash on expensive dinner dates or on shiny things that will probably end up sitting in a jewelry box on her dresser and setting you back financially.

Stop thinking money is the only way to gain her attention and keep her coming back for more. If she really likes you or is interested, money is of no object.

If you really want to make a good impression on a date, skip the reservations for two at that cozy little Italian place that never fails and try making her dinner instead. The idea of man that can cook and is willing to do so for her, makes a woman feel all the more special or important. Especially, if the dining experience ends up being a romantic suprise candlelight rendezvous.

2. Invest the Time- A lot of men fail to understand how vital time and attention are to a woman and to the success of a relationship. Once again, this falls back into the misconception that money answereth all things.

No, no my boy. This will not do. You need to give a women time and attention.

She wants to see you. So, make the time and put forth the effort. Even if you’re swampped at work and barely have a minute to spare. Don’t send her flowers or a card. Be original.

Swing by her work for a few and bring the flowers, or maybe a little lunch. Learn to set aside and dedicate a little one-on-one time for just you and her. Let her know that she’s just as important, if not more, than finalizing that corporate merger at work.

3. Pay Attention- This one never fails to amaze me as to how many men fail to catch on to how important it is and how much it improves their relationship status simply by paying a little more attention to what their woman says or does.

I’m no better, fellas, really. But, I realized how sometimes tuning out or not paying full attention to my ladylove would end up shooting my own self in the foot. So, learn to listen up!

Pay attention to what she’s saying. More than likely, it may just be banter or gossip about what has happened that day, and I sympathize gentleman, I really do. But, actually listening and responding or remaining coherent in the conversation shows her how much you care and that you want to know what she’s thinking, feeling, or what she’s going through.

It’s also a real plus and very impressive to her if you’re able to recall or pull up things from her talks, even if it’s just little tidbits from the discussions you’ve had. It goes miles with her. Trust me.

4. Be a Gentleman, (Not just on the first date!)- Now, now, now… I shouldn’t have to say this. This should be an obvious “must do” for guys. If you ever want to get anywhere with any girl you’re trying to woo, the only way to go about it is to simply be a gentleman.

I don’t care how nonchalant she claims to be, it speaks volumes to her about your character if you speak confidently with good grammer and pronounciation. No swearing, foul language. I know, as guys we may slip from time to time. But, she is a lady. Try to avoid speaking to her like a teammate in a locker room.

Women may deny it, but they absolutely love chivalry. Open and hold doors, offer your coat if it’s a little brisk outside, be polite to her and to the waitstaff where ever you take her. And YES, do pay for the check. This isn’t a casual “friends” lunch or business lunch. Be a gentleman and do the right thing.

5. Confidence, not Cockiness- It’s a myth that women fall for the assholes or the cocky, self-indulged type.

No, what women fall for, what they want, is a man that knows what he wants and is willing to confidently communicate it and go after it.

Don’t come off to bold. There is a fine line between being bold and confident and brash and cocky. Learn to find the line early on, and stick to the acceptable side of it. Confidence is a huge mood killer and can easily ruin your chances with a girl if you con’t come off as having it or perhaps, having too much of it. Balance it, and you’ll find things will come easily for you.

Well, there you have it. Hope this helps to enhance your romantic endeavors.

Good Luck fellas,

Posting,

 

E.Ricci

Trip Down Memory Lane…

I step outside today, “How nice it is…” I think to myself. Let’s go for a jog.

“The weather is gorgeous outside. I could use some sun too.”

I’m running. It feels great. So far, the iPod is in one of those grooves where the random shuffle has put together a decent playlist.

I get about three quarters of the way through my typical trek through town, when an oldie but a goodie from one of my favorite artists, Jay-Z, comes on; Song Cry performed live from Hova’s MTV: Unplugged perfomance.

It starts playing. Granted, it’s not exactly the best song to jog to. Still, I love the lyrics and the meaning behind the song.

Best Dating Sites

In the midst of doing some research over the past few weeks on the online dating/matchmaking industry, I came across a few sites that rank, in order of best to worst, who the writer’s from these websites feel are the best internet dating service provider websites.

Here are those sites…

TopMatchmakers.net – Offers the premium sites that are out there for those interested in online matchmaking or finding someone special. Ratings list and reviews are helpful on this site. Links to each dating service’s website are available as well.

Dating Websites Comparisons – Narrows the list to a solid top five choices. Their selections are some not-so-well-known ones, a little more off the unbeaten path. But, pretty interesting. Reviews are short and sweet, very easy to read.

myOnlineDatingService.com – Ten Best Dating Websites, another good top 10 list with reviews and ratings.

Consumer Search’s Online Dating Service Review - Reviewed on September of this year, this site lists some of the top dating sites out of a possible 23 sites reviewed. The site also offers some explanations about the site and why they’re so good.

And there you have it.

For those interested in finding love or forming new relationships but aren’t sure where and how, hope this helps.

Good Luck.

Posting,

E.Ricci

Not So Harmonious

As it turns out, eHarmony.com, a dating/matchmaking internet service with a clientele ranging over 17 million subscribers may be alienating a significant percentage of Americans. 

Sticking with the trend of online dating service providers, (ala It’s Just Lunch),  I was quite suprised on Monday by news from a fellow classmate that eHarmony.com, arguably the most popular internet matchmaking service, has been an alleged practitioner of discrimination against gays and lesbians.

Cry Me A River…

It’s Wednesday night. I’m over a friend’s house relaxing and planning events for the evening when I receive a phone call. It’s none other than the thorn in my side, confusing miss third “board” girl.

I preface what I’m about to reveal by adding this fact; on Monday she texted me asking what I was doing Wednesday evening and if I was interested in hanging out with her and some friends.

When Wednesday came rolling around I texted her at noon to see what the plan was for the evening. She said she’d call me and let me know. She never called. So I said, “Screw it. I’ll do my own thing tonight.”

Getting back to the point, she calls Wednesday and sounds somewhat distraught. Like a sucker, I pretend to be concerned and try to play the understanding “save the day” knight in shining armor by asking what’s wrong and offering my metaphorical “shoulder to cry on.”

The Last Hurrah…

“College is a single guy’s playground. Go play, Ed….Go play.”

I was having yet another discussion with some peers when an interesting perspective was presented to me about college graduation and how this turning point in a young person’s life may or may not affect their dating or relationship situation.

A fellow single friend pointed out that after his graduation, upon entering the real life, full-time, 9-5, work force grind known as life, his potential dating options had slimmed down quite a bit.

“Let’s Just…See Where Things Go”

“Let’s Just…See Where Things Go,” is what she said. 

She says that and every guy in America cringes.

I know fellas, I know. GRRR.

We all know what it means. It’s a one way ticket down the dead end trail to relationship catastrophe.

Tuesday of this week I invited third “board” girl over for some grub and more personal conversation.

Why is She so Confusing???

I had pretty much written things off. I didn’t expect any further communication between third “board” girl and I.

I was content with that.

Now, I have no idea what I’ve gotten into. All I know is that I’m knee deep in it.

Wednesday night, with nothing else to do after a really slow evening of class, I somehow found myself on the phone with third “board” actually having an intellectual conversation.

What’s better? Instead of confusion and frustration, it was enjoyable. Playful and fun actually. She’s very honest, but also very sarcastic. This goes well with my cynical and sardonic sense of humor.