Why is She so Confusing???

I had pretty much written things off. I didn’t expect any further communication between third “board” girl and I.

I was content with that.

Now, I have no idea what I’ve gotten into. All I know is that I’m knee deep in it.

Wednesday night, with nothing else to do after a really slow evening of class, I somehow found myself on the phone with third “board” actually having an intellectual conversation.

What’s better? Instead of confusion and frustration, it was enjoyable. Playful and fun actually. She’s very honest, but also very sarcastic. This goes well with my cynical and sardonic sense of humor.

The Dream…Domestic Delusions of a Broken Man

It’s nearly one in the morning. I’m wide awake now. I was sleeping. But I was awoken by a recurring dream I’ve been having.

And now I can’t resume sleeping because this dream has my stomach in knots.

It’s the same dream I’ve been having for three months.

Stupid Boys and Evil Girls

Why is it that every song can either remind of you someone you love or someone you desparately miss?

 I’m on my way home from dinner at my parents’ house this evening and I must have switched radio stations a half dozen times in the ten minutes it took me to reach my apartment. Every song reminds me of my Ex.

I hate it. I hate missing her. I hate loving her still. And music, especially songs about love and lovey dovey stuff remind me about her, and nearly bring me to tears at times.

It’s difficult enough going through the day trying not to think of her and what once was and what will never be. It’s a challenge enough to not try to call her and tell her I love her and I miss her and I want her to come home. Now, I can’t even enjoy a little music without feeling like the world is closing in on me.

Dating, hopefully, will serve as a therapy; an alleviation of the stress, hurt, anxiety, and overbearing emotion that floods into my body along with the thoughts of her that come crashing in with those feelings…or vice versa.

The sad thing is, I love her still. She walked out on me. And yet, I blame myself for what went wrong. I feel responsible for it happening. My friends all say that I tried, I did more than I should or could have, that she wasn’t fully in it, it wasn’t my fault, she just didn’t care enough to wanna keep trying and working at it.

Yet, I still feel like crap about it. I feel like I could have been a better person, a better man for her. I feel like I didn’t give her enough, even though I know I gave her everything I had.

And it’s moments like these where I start to get overwhelmed. I begin to tear myself down. I start wishing for things that aren’t possible or attainable. I try to reason and plead and negotiate with spiritual powers, a Higher Being to help bring her back. For no reason, to no avail.

She’s not coming back. I need to move on. Sadly, deep down, I can honestly say, I love her unconditionally. No matter what she did to me, no matter how hurtful, I’m a fool to admit this, but, I’d welcome her back with open arms and an open heart.

What sucks is, even if I was with another girl, I’m convinced that if she came waltzing back into my life and wanting to try again, I’d give in like a fool and take her back, knowing full well she doesn’t deserve me and there’s nothing guaranteeing she wouldn’t pull the same stunt and walk back out of my life whenever she felt the whim to do so.

I’m a sucker for her. My pride is damn near gone. And I’m not one to play games, deny the way I feel, or hide it, playing hard to get. I call it the way it is, I wear my heart on my sleeve, especially with her. I love her. I know I shouldn’t.  I know she doesn’t deserve it after what she’s put me through. But I can’t deny the way I feel.

What sucks is, I know she’d never do the same for me. And she’d never come back to me or give me another chance. Yet, I love her irregardless of this fact. And i’m a fool for it.

I know that dating and moving on is the right thing to do though. That’s why i’m doing it. In my head I know it’s what is best. That is partially why I’m doing it. I know that after my little moment of weakness here, someday, one day, I’ll be able to move on and I’ll look back on this moment and laugh. I’ll laugh at the thought of ever thinking I loved her this much or that I wanted her unconditionally in my life.

If only you could turn love off as quickly as it manages to be turned on…

One day I’ll look her in the face and think to myself, “What did I ever see in you? Really? What could have possibly been so special in you then?”

And one day, I’ll meet a girl that will be worth the feelings I have for my Ex. And she’ll cherish and appreciate these feelings. And i’ll realize and understand what real true unconditional love is. It’ll be far better than what I thought I had with her. I know it.

I have to look at it that way. I have to think positively about this. It’s her loss. No way is it mines. She’ll see that one day. And one day will be too late.

Posting,

And feeling a hell of a lot better now,

E.Ricci